The Weirdest Part About Growing up (Day 17)

There's a lot of things in life I don't like to do.  And closer to the bottom of that is list going back and reading things I wrote when I was younger.  It is safe to say if present day Natalia met younger Natalia, she would make her have a serious come to Jesus moment and then comfort her.  You see, younger Natalia tends to not be very happy with life.  This makes present day Natalia feel extremely awkward.  You see, present day Natalia tries her best not to dwell on her unhappiness, for a number of reasons.  She tends to block those moments out, and the written stylings of Natalias past make her cringe with guilt and other emotions.  

Last winter I found the diary I wrote in when I was only a wee high school freshman.  It was pretty god awful. Past Natalia had written about how she had a crush one of her male friends (but gave a code to him in case her parents ever read the diary).  Although eventually she fell out of love with him (I forget if it was because I found out he had a girlfriend or he wasn't as wholesome as I thought he was).  She also created an imaginary boyfriend (cancer survivor) who eventually wouldn't even talk to her.  I think she made him a cancer survivor so he would be dependent/clingy to her.  And why would she want this?  Because freshmen Natalia was not happy with her friends.  Young Natalia's friends were very much anime nerds, something that she has not (and probably never be) into, very into music, or those who were not were just not really interested in being outside of school friends with her.  None of them really shared her interests that much too, which she didn't like either.  But young Natalia was not good at making friends, and was stuck with that group for high school. Although she did make a couple new ones later on.  Spoiler alert, out of all the people that were my "friends" in high school, I only talk/hang out with three.  

I also found an old gmail (I'm thinking my junior of high school, because that's around the time I made my gmail) of a story I wrote.  I started to read it, and  besides thinking it was absolute crap, I couldn't remember why I would ever write something like that.  The reason did not dawn on me until the end when I read the description of the main male character.  I'm not even going to go into the story, but basically was this guy I liked as the main male and myself as the main female, and things seemed like they might happen. 

Even my high school Facebook posts were terrible.  I never thought they were that bad, until I went back to read them with my roommate.  Seriously I would have killed that person.  I mean, a lot of the posts were a cry for attention, for someone to ask me what was wrong, etc. but they were pretty god awful.  And looking back at that stuff makes me realize how much I didn't like high school.  I don't really have any written recordings of my unhappiness in college.  Actually I feel like college is where I hit my proverbial stride.  I mean, there are some downer times, but nothing god awful like my high school experiences.  There's also the continuous love story that isn't which is my life, but that's not appropriate for this blog.  

I try not to remember all the times I was unhappy, because I don't need to carry that negativity around with me.  I also don't think of myself as an unhappy person, so all those times just make me feel disingenuous.  After  reading all of my past woe this year and last, one of my new goals in life is to be happier than I was the previous year.  Because if I have to read another piece of literature about how I have no friends like me or no boyfriend, I will probably put myself out of my misery*.

This post was brought to you buy the fact that I did nothing all day. 

*I will not put myself out of my misery like that, but instead take the steps of becoming a happier person